You heard it here first, denizens of the digital scrapheap: the human body is obsolete, and the industrialists have come for our kidneys. If you believed a Neuralink escapee would hang up his lab coat after nearly plugging the entire population into the Metaverse, think again. Max Hodak, the man who once spent his lunch breaks teaching computers to eavesdrop on neurons, has re-emerged from the technocratic fog with the latest revelation from Science Corporation: organs are too squishy, too mortal, too... perishable. Forget investing in crypto or prepping for World War Lizard – it’s time to short your own pancreas. Why? Because the race is on to keep your snacks inside your ribcage shelf-stable longer than a Twinkie in nuclear winter. Say goodbye to the current organ cooler, a medieval torture device consisting of endless tubes, a full-time medical pit crew, and a price tag that makes Beverly Hills Botox look like a garage sale. Science Corp. wants organ preservation on demand: Uber Eats, but for hearts, and it’s always surging. Let’s put this in apocalyptic context. The organ donor system is a relic, a collapsing Roman aqueduct propping up a dying empire. Present-day technology means getting an organ is a lottery where the prize is sitting in a plexiglass capsule like a Futurama head jar for $20,000 a day until your real prize—a compatible spleen—shows up or you slip into the great database in the sky. Meanwhile, these machines are so large and complex that you could probably send a dog to space in one before you wheeled it into an average ICU. You’re not just on life support; you’re officially an accessory to the death of hope for public health infrastructure. Enter Max “I’ve read a Wikipedia article about perfusion” Hodak and his battalion of big-brained techno-goblins. Their vision? Tiny, portable organ-support devices suitable for getting lost in your Uber’s trunk, unleashing a fresh hell on a world already drowning in gadgets. Imagine a future where every Silicon Valley bro on his Live-Laugh-Love road trip packs an organ Cooling Buddy9000 between the kombucha and the VR goggles. The next logical step: app-based subscriptions. Lose your liver after Coachella? There’s an app for that, auto-renewal required. It’s not enough that Science Corp cornered the market on sticking microchips in your brain so you can DM your ex using only your thoughts. They scooped up a vision-restoring eyeball implant from a bankrupt French company, leapfrogged Neuralink, and now, oh now, the organ long game is afoot. Hodak became fixated on all this after the medical horror story of a boy whose sole possession was a ticket in the ventilator sweepstakes. The lesson? If the life support machine can’t outlive you, you didn’t grind hard enough. Don’t let the warm-and-fuzzy talk of 'longevity' distract you. This is Doom 2: Hospital Boogaloo. The organauts and their AR goggles are giving humanity the most backhanded compliment in biotechnology history: "You’re lovely, but your organs were made by amateurs." My friends, the future has arrived, and it brought a compact refrigerator for your spare kidneys. Meditate on that as you order your next meal replacement shake, for the reign of the squishy meat sack is waning. Oh, science marches on but never in a straight line—it's always a conga into the abyss, and now, we're all on the guest list. See you in the transplant waiting room, if the oxygen holds.