OK, listen up brothers and sisters of the financial cringe economy because the Russian giga-missile saga just hit another lore drop and it is straight up giving junkyard Megatron: Russia cooked up this thicc missile that’s supposed to make NATO moisturized with fear, but every time it takes off it’s like: “Surprise! I am worm.” Friday night vibes, Dombarovsky Air Base, camera’s out, launch pad hotter than the new Supreme drop. Suddenly, BOOM: The missile yeets itself like a poorly-programmed Sims character with all traits set to ‘clumsy’. I kid you not—this Cold War fever dream of an ICBM did not even reach the Wendy’s drive-thru before face-planting so hard, even Elon would say, "L megarocket." Russian military’s at the group chat like: "We saw nothing, bro. Ghost launch." Meanwhile, some local babushka two miles away is like, "Why does my garden suddenly taste like burnt Red Bull and existential dread?" Fun fact: if hydrazine had a Tinder profile, the only thing it would say is "I will end you and your pets." Bro, you ever see a $10 billion missile do a TikTok dance midair? Because apparently the Sarmat just can’t decide if it’s a weapon or a contestant on Russian So You Think You Can Dab? One sec it’s all business, the next it’s cartwheeling into a field shedding parts like me dropping AirPods during leg day. Hashtag KerbalSpaceDisaster. And like, Putin out here flexing: “This missile’s different, skibidi rizz, you don’t even know.” Meanwhile, western analysts are like, “Homie built a flying PowerPoint transition.” The entire Russian PR department is in the basement drafting memes for why Sarmat is BUILT DIFFERENT (TM) because apparently its unique selling point is that it never threatens anyone except the launch crew’s life insurance. I swear, every time Sarmat gets a second chance it's like that cringe friend who keeps showing up to the party uninvited—except this time he comes through the ground floor ceiling and he’s on fire. How are you gonna intimidate the West when your mega-warhead delivery system can’t even deliver itself? UPS got better reliability for real. Bottom line: Sarmat is Russia’s ‘alpha dog’ ICBM with an accuracy rating of SCIENCE FICTION but in real life it’s just one more 2024 apocalypse side quest gone goofy. If this represents the future of nuclear deterrence, I’m feeling very safe over here scrolling on my phone, watching the launch replays on Telegram and eating off-brand Doritos. Skibidi bop yes yes yes 💀🌶️.