Okay, so imagine this: you’re at your desk, sipping some high-octane caffeinated seltzer (because you’ve accepted that sleep is for boomers and the weak), when a platoon of musky goons in suits that cost more than your student debt crash into your office like it’s a Fortnite drop zone. You check the badge: DOGE—Department of Government Efficiency. That’s right, Musk’s shiny new toy for declaring war on inefficiency, bureaucracy, and possibly, the integrity of your portable desk plants. George “Legal Eagle” Foote, who despite desperately wanting to retire, is now living through a real-life episode of Suits directed by Quentin Tarantino. DOGE v. USIP: Dawn of Justice. Except instead of capes, the DOGE team nukes the office with tech bro swagger and a suspiciously strong scent of existential dread (and also weed, which nobody wants to claim, but everyone wants to pocket for after work). Allegedly, their mission is to increase ‘efficiency,’ which, based on their actions, means wandering around your executive conference room, building Minecraft forts out of policy binders, and occasionally attempting to insert their LinkedIn QR codes into the water cooler. One agent, code-named Big Balls (because subtlety is for accountants), claims he can automate peace agreements in Solidity. The others just take turns arguing over who gets to be president of the coffee pod recycling committee. Meanwhile, the government—remember them?—gets inspired by the shock-and-awe of Musk’s tactics and decides to put their own stamp on the situation. That means a 2am executive order, a ceremonial firing of anyone with a pulse, and, naturally, attempting to swap the building’s sign for one that says “TRUMP TOWER: PEACE DIVISION.” Because nothing says international harmony like neon signage and one-way mirror windows, baby! All of this, mind you, is happening as a random assortment of other former government agencies bounce around the scene like overstimulated golden retrievers. The IRS is in the corner, tapping on an iPad and whispering about blockchain. Leland “SSA OG” Dudek just wants to know if he can get his punch card validated for parking. Half the DOGE team, meanwhile, are either auditioning for Shark Tank or trying to write off crypto-mining rigs as office supplies. And then there’s the lawsuit: The USIP board, now exiled and strangely well-dressed, are lawyering up HARD, arguing their right to not be fired by a man who once tried to mainline Big Mac sauce. George Foote, our indefatigable hero, is convinced that justice will prevail, provided the presiding judge doesn’t turn out to be an NFT of Sam Bankman-Fried. Honestly, it’s a wild time. The only thing that remains constant is chaos—and the imperative to stand up for things like due process, peace, and not letting randos with bad haircuts redefine democracy via meme stock logic. Or maybe, like, all institutions are just brass knuckles on an authoritarian fist, and I should’ve gone with my gut and invested in Beanie Babies after all. Stay caffeinated, folks.