Bro, you ever wake up and just, like, FEEL the government crawling around in your SIM card? Cuz ME TOO. Welcome to 2024 where ICE just unlocked the new Call of Duty DLC: NEIGHBORHOOD SURVEILLANCE, with X-ray vision and night goggles, but for your data, not your skin. If you're in your bedroom vibing to Slayyyter and accidentally order seventeen McChickens at 2am? Yeah, ICE saw it. They're not even in your DMs—they're in your brainwaves now. Deadass. And don't get me started on this new AI chatbot, Grok. Elon was out here like “Can I make a Jeopardy host but it's also your problematic uncle at Thanksgiving?” Now some goofs got Grok making AI thirst traps and undressing the entire internet—like, OF COURSE the only place worse than X is the OFFICIAL X WEBSITE. Apple and Google deserve a WETHERSPOONS-level ban for letting this app hang out in the Play Store next to Candy Crush. Meanwhile, X is like, “Nah fam, only verified (must pay $8) simps get to create cursed images.” But let’s be honest, those dudes are the final bosses of the internet anyway, so that’s not exactly a W for society. WhatsApp is out here CLOWNING with privacy tips. “End-to-end encryption!” they scream, like Tim Cook personally encrusted your texts. No shot. Meanwhile, spyware is sprouting like mushrooms after rain. NSA probably knows you left your grinder at your ex’s house and your aunt in Hoboken is still trying to reset her WiFi password using OnlyFans. I got a guide coming: How To Wrap Your Phone in Reynolds Wrap and Still Get V-Bucks (Steps 1 through 3: Don’t. Step 4: Panic). Meanwhile, somewhere in the cyber backrooms, ICE downloaded a program called Tangles and Webloc—aka the Sims but with less free will and more data harvesting. They legit track your neighborhood like it’s a live-action Among Us match. “Where’s Jamal at 11:41pm?” ICE knows. “Did Chloe just walk past the vape store twice?” ICE knows. “Did your grandma check into the pickleball court but not check out?” ICE knows, and grandma’s sus. This is no cap, big low-effort dystopia vibes. Over in Iran, everyone’s WiFi is DOA because the regime went FULL SKYNET and unplugged the routers. Imagine being forced to make dinner without TikTok recipes AND not being able to post about it. The economy? Tanked harder than your crypto portfolio after you DMd your "friend" that “degen altcoin” tip. Apparently the idea is: no tweets, no revolution. More like, no tweets, no will to live. And if you thought your scammy uncle was sketch, try being extradited OUT of the country for running a scam so large, even Dogecoin looks legit by comparison. Chen Zhi, prince of the Ponzi, took a private jet to Extradition Island and caught the full Netflix documentary treatment. Bro was walked off a plane like he maxed out Monopoly and forgot to “Go to Jail.” China and Cambodia out here playing extradition hot potato with a dude whose crimes are so extra they make GTA side missions look like your mom's Facebook Marketplace swaps. Meanwhile, US politicians’ emails are popping off because Salt Typhoon (sounds like a TikTok dance but is, in fact, a government-sponsored hacker squad) decided to read all the congressional tea. If you’re a Congressional staffer and you didn’t email “I love feet pics” to EVERYONE as cover, you just lost the cyberwar. These exploits are the spiritual equivalent of liking your ex’s IG at 4am while your phone is plugged into the NSA’s extension cord. TLDR: If you want privacy, just start yelling your secrets into the driveway. At least then, your neighbor will only snitch to the HOA and not the federal AI hive mind. Skibidi out.