Move over, Gordon Gekko’s Wall Street — there’s a new asset on the trading floor, and it’s your brain. Picture this: Austin startup Paradromics, a company so ambitious it makes the Wolf of Wall Street look like a sheep in a petting zoo, just got the FDA to rubber-stamp its plan to plug metallic Frisbees directly into human craniums. Why? To give people back their ability to speak. But let’s skip the sentimentality — I’m interested in upside, not tearjerkers. The device — which I’m just going to call the Connexus because that sounds like something a Bond villain would whisper during a merger — is about the size of a New York dime. Only instead of buying coffee, this disc buys you access to the NASDAQ of your own neurons. It slides right into your gray matter and immediately sets to work translating electrical fizz-pop into philosophical sonnets or, more likely, passive-aggressive Zoom chats. Paradromics claims it’ll have you shooting off 60 words per minute, which is almost fast enough to get through an earnings call before the promos for Miami Vice reruns kick in. The best part? This isn’t some lone mad scientist with a garage full of soldering irons and old Blockbuster memberships — it’s a regular technocratic royal rumble. You’ve got Neuralink planting brain-bling in aspiring cyborgs worldwide, Synchron conducting backroom deals between gray and white matter, and Precision Neuroscience, who, with a name like that, probably attend board meetings in lab coats. Paradromics, though, just leapfrogged the field with the FDA nod — which, in 2024, is the biotech equivalent of getting a golden ticket into Willy Wonka’s dopamine factory. Now, before you start worrying about people reading your mind at the office and trading your thoughts for insider tips, relax. This device doesn’t work unless you try to talk — just like your Uncle Larry after his third gin and tonic. The Connexus only listens for speech that wants to happen. You attempt to say, “Buy low, sell high,” your computer spits it out, maybe even in your exact voice, thanks to AI that can synthesize your dulcet tones so convincingly it could outbid you at Sotheby’s. For the trial, they’re starting with two brave souls. Six months of training their brain-trading platforms, and then, I assume, Paradromics will open the books to anyone with a head, a heartbeat, and a love of risk. (You know the type — the guy who snorted lines off a dot-matrix printer during the ‘87 crash.) There was even an earlier test, involving an EpiPen-style brain jab — in and out in ten minutes, barely enough time to buy a pork belly future. It wasn’t for real trading, just a test run, but rest assured: the main event is coming. When Paradromics goes live, expect the IPO ticker to flash like the lights on a pinball machine at Studio 54. Forget about insider information. The new bull market is inside information: 421 wiretaps straight from your cortex. Neuralink’s got its threads woven deep, but Paradromics is positioning itself as the blue-chip of brain bling. Remember, you heard it from Gordon first — in two years, the first mergers will be between neurons, not banks. I’m bullish. Grab your power tie, polish your scalp, and get ready to buy into the brain market. Lunch, ladies and gentlemen, is for those who can’t telepathically order it.