OK Y’ALL SO GET THIS: the planet is doing a whole full send into DOOM MODE and these scientists are like, 🫨📈 “let’s run the numbers, fam!” Meanwhile the atmosphere is beefing up on greenhouse gases like it’s bulking season and there’s a two-for-one at the CO2 Buffet. Every time we set a new world record for emissions, everyone’s like “no way bro, that was the last one,” and then we dunk on ourselves again the next year. EMISSIONS STONKS: ALWAYS UP! 🔥🔥 So picture this: the Earth is literally running a 24/7 climate sleepover, but instead of Truth or Dare, we get “Whose Ecosystem Is Melting This Week?” It’s giving Jersey Shore but the only thing getting tanned is the Ozone layer. Sun’s out, buns out, coral reefs out—because they’re straight-up yeeting themselves into extinction. RIP Bozo 🪦🐠 Someone at the UN was like, “No cap, if we hit 1.5°C we unlock God Mode Catastrophe,” and everyone’s like, “Chill we got time.” But the clock’s already doing the Harlem Shake off the table and the Amazon Rainforest is deep sighing at us. No one knows when the ice sheets are gonna become smoothie bowls, but scientists keep running out of metaphorical Post-its to mark the next tipping point. They’re this close to just switching to TikTok dances to explain it. 🕺🌎 Wait but get this—the Atlantic Meridional Overweight Circuit—I mean, whatever, that ocean conveyor belt thing—is basically one cat video away from quitting. If it dips out, Europe is about to put frost on its baguettes and fish ‘n chips will come with a side of icebergs. Meanwhile, coral reefs are out here like “Sis, I literally cannot EEEEVEN” and doing synchronized ghost routines every year. They’re bleaching more than my cousin Danielle before prom. Sad! The Great Barrier Reef, aka The GOAT of Marine Life, is now on its third season of ‘Australia’s Next Top Dead Zone’ and every time it tries to bounce back, some billionaire parks a yacht on it or some microplastic army storms the castle. The fish are unionizing. The algae moved to Berlin. Clownfish are straight up not having a good time. #FindNemoOrDontIdc If we cross these tipping points, it’s not even dominoes anymore—it’s like when you try to microwave soup with the lid on and then BOOM tomato explosion. One collapse, everything else in the group chat wildin’. Nature’s running an IRL Rube Goldberg machine and humans are still over here Liking each others’ stories about composting one (1) banana peel. But don’t worry, apparently some economies are “super dependent” on coral reefs for like, jobs or some other cringe adult stuff. Idk, I’m still jobless but I heard ‘tourism’ is just people traveling all that way to look at Nemo IRL and then crying because everything’s white and spooky. GOOD LUCK SNORKELERS. Anyway, if you see a polar bear, buy him a margarita. He’s earned it. But if you catch me caring IRL, you’re capping. Yolo4Climate. Skibidi up up up, planet down down down 😭🌎🔥